enblightened | ☣️ ic inbox;

you are too kind, illarion

nay
i admit i know little about the pthurmerians including he
why do you ask?

Exactly as kind as you deserve, dear one.

Working on a theory. Baus is the patron of transformation and becoming who one's meant to be. One of the Pthumerians, or maybe the only Pthumerian who really understands our inner lives. Very empathetic and patient with us, and loving to those who can't love themselves.

You two share a temperament and I'd introduce you, if they responded to summons. But no one's ever found one that can bring them. It's said they wander Trenchwood now and then though. And appear sometimes in times of great need. So I'd wondered.

Maybe one day. I've been making sacrifices to them on the off chance.

How does the new month find you?

i see. i suppose i can see a resemblance in a way. perhaps in due time he will reveal himself in some manner. perhaps i too shall leave him an offering.

better than the last, but still a difficult one. i certainly feel more like myself.
most have remarked i was too harsh with myself
i know that martyrdom is easy to do, as if that will absolve one of their sins. i think that perhaps i shall leave judgment to those that were attacked.
albeit i know you've long since forgiven

If you meet a great antlered wolf in fur of wild colors, you'll know you've got their attention.

I'm glad to hear of the improvements, and you know you have me for the difficulties. Where I'm good for them.

You were too harsh. I agree with the others who love you, there. The man you were at the time is not the man you are and the man you are won't benefit from punishment.

Though I know what it is like. To commit a horror when you aren't yourself and feel like you should have been strong enough to choose otherwise, even if it was impossible. To feel it was still you doing it.

It's right and wise to let those who were hurt judge and not take that on yourself.

Very long since. What happened between us was as much my fault. Though I have been thinking about what you've said. About being kinder to myself.

i will bear it in mind.
it is my experience that although gods do not always openly reach out they do hear us
i am certain he has for you, in some capacity.

with you it was
it was the only moment that i felt guilty, as that man.
i felt no guilt for the others until i was truly myself again.
but yes i will try to not begrudge myself too deeply for what was not truly me.

and in what way do you choose to be kinder to yourself?

So am I. Though I am more accustomed to listening for them I think. And doing as they ask.

You

[He's silent so long, so suddenly, the message sends on its own.]

With me you did?

I'm sorry. I am sorry. I will take more care with you, if that happens again.

I must ask, and this is not to excoriate myself, just to learn. Could he have been detained some other way? If that version of myself hadn't offered his throat first.

Truly I haven't come up with one that seems appropriate. This didn't used to be so difficult.

he had my memories
i think in turn he knew the possibilities
how i would think and feel in the future
there were many things he'd have asked of you, but in the end it was flesh and blood that appealed to him the most.

imagine me if you will as someone who hardly placed any resistance to my inhibitions
that i would joyfully indulge in consumption of any and all flesh
that i would accept my role as a monster.
quite honestly i'd only wish to see that version of myself perish.

Queen and Throne.

If I hadn't seen it myself I don't know I could imagine it. Still he was

we have a word for how war as awful as it is can seduce someone. It was like that. Though I, that version of myself was looking very hard for you.

Would you have had me kill him? Kill you? If it happened again.

if it happened again
i would loathe to haunt you with that burden
but better that potential man be dead than to harm anyone else.

i never want to be him.

It is a burden I have shouldered before.

Knowing I'd let him replace you would be worse.

You have my oath on it. And my prayer it never happens again.

have i not said before to be kinder to yourself?
we cannot take it back. we can only attempt to be better than before.

but i thank you.
i too pray to light that it shall never come to that.

You have said. Because you have said

Because it's you asking I am trying. I am afraid I lost the pattern of it sometime before I died.

You're always welcome.

better then that we attempt to be positive influences on one another

Better, yes. Two might stand together where one can't.

What would you influence me into, dear one?

someone who can remember to forgive himself, i think.
who will see himself, as i see him.

That's a vision of myself I can accept.

And much the same thing I want for you.

There's a word for wanting that for someone.

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